O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Randomize
