The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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