I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
