If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
