She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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