for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Randomize
