i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
