I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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