I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Randomize
