Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I'm jealous of your bromance
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
