Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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