So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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