the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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