i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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