No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
