Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
