I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
