I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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