I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Randomize
