and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
