i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
false alarm, still single
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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