I just pynch a tree in the face
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Randomize
