Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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