i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Randomize
