Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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