I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
