and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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