wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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