i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Banned from zoo.
Again?
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Randomize
