On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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