somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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