what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Randomize
