i just wanna soil my oats bro
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
