And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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