i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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