either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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