I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
