I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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