im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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