Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
