Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
