I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
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