omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
