I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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