when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Randomize
