I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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