a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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