wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
