Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Randomize
