I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
two words: eviction party
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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