Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
send nudes
from the living room?
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
