I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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