MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
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