Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
