know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
