Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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