Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
