after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
